Blue Sprinkles
by ShySlasher
Summary: Ever wonder what would happen if Orihime and Szayel were to cook for the Espada togather? Well, that's the main point of this one-shot story! Rated T for bad language mostly from Grimmjow.


**Blue Sprinkles**

"My dear Espada," Aizen addresses the Espada, " I have brought you here to discuss an important matter, that being your birthdays," Several of Hueco Mundo's elite fighting force look confused at the mention of the human word 'birthday'. "-or rather, the day in which most of you were changed into arrancar, which happens to be tomorrow"

"Yeah, I get that, but why is _she _here?" and by she, of course, Nniotra means the single human among arrancar and ex-shinigami, Orihime Inoue.

"Umm, why am I here, sir? Orihime asks

"Yes, I was getting to that. You, Orihime, are going to cook the food for our banquet. We have heard from our… spies that you are quite the chef."

"Sorry Aizen-sama, but I am not letting this little human girl touch my food! I don't trust her not to poison us or something." Grimmjow shouts, and is supported by most of the people in the room.

"If you don't trust her, then why don't we have one of the Espada help her out, hnnn? Are there any volunteers?" Aizen asks his valuable servants.

None of the Espada have any cooking skill whatsoever. They all stare at each other trying to get someone to cave in under the pressure. The only ones not being stares at are Starrk and Szayel Aporro. Everyone knows that Starrk barely gets up for meetings, so trying to get the strongest Espada to do something that that he considers 'trivial' would be useless. They also don't want Szayel to touch their food, if he's cooking; only god knows what- or _who_ would end up in it.

All at once, all the Espada burst into a heated argument "Harribel should do it; a woman's place is in the kitchen after all." Nniotra sneers

"Maybe you should do it, Spoon; you could use the experience to get in touch with your feminine side!" Grimmjow yells

"Like hell I will; I have no feminine side!"

"No, but you do have a feminine figure." Yammy adds. Everyone at the table start snicker at the fifth Espada's lack of muscles.

"At least I don't look like a fuckin' ape!"

"I do not look like an ape!" Yammy looks offended and ready to attack the scrawny Espada who was mocking him "Take it back, you're just jealous that I have large muscles, and you ain't got nothing."

"Whatever, at least I don't have as much cleavage as Baraggan, he rivals even Harribel in the chest department." Nniotra says under his breath

"Silence!" Baraggan booms, "I'll have you know that I am simply big-boned! You have no idea who you are-"

"Would you all just shut up?" Starrk interrupts Baraggan's rant "I can't sleep with all of you yelling like this."

"That's all you do, sleep, sleep, sleep, SLEEP!" The sixth Espada hisses "and you're supposed to be my superior, how does this work out?"

"I for one, agree with Starrk." Ulquiorra states

"Well, that's your opinion emo-boy, now why don't go cry about it. Huh?"

"Shove it, feline." Ulquiorra surprised Grimmjow with his unusually curt remark

Grimmjow quickly recovers from his state of shock and taunts the fourth Espada "Oh, I get it now, you just want to suck up to lord Aizen and cook with your little _human_ girlfriend." Ulquiorra says nothing in response "That's it isn't it! You're so pitiful!"

Instead of verbally responding to Grimmjow's taunts, Ulquiorra picks up one of the cups of tea that is ever present during Espada meetings, and quickly hurled it at the teal-haired Espada who is now shouting 'Ulquiorra loves Pet-Sama' at the top of his lungs. The cup hit its mark, surprising the arrancar who was too busy making an ass out of himself to dodge it. Ulquiorra put a spin on the cup, so when it hit him, it dumped the hot contents on to him. The contents in this case being herbal tea with lemon.

"Aaaagghhhh! It's fucking hot! Ulquiorra, you bastard, it's in my eyes! I'm gonna _kill _you!"

Grimmjow tries to charge at Ulquiorra, but trips while holding his eyes in pain. His fall takes down his chair and almost knocks down Zommari in the process. When he tried to stand up again, he hits his head on the table, resulting in the laughter of his fellow Espada.

"Espada," Aizen growls over top of the bickering arrancar. Aizen didn't want to break up the fight (for some reason, he finds arguments such as these entertaining), but he didn't want a full-on fist-fight between his 'children'. "If all of you would stop fighting for a moment, I could tell you that one of your brothers has settled the dispute." All of the Espada's heads turned to face their leader, and most of them now felt embarrassed at their behavior.

When they look at their master, they see the pink-haired Espada standing next to him, and all of them think at the same thing. _Oh, Hell no! _The expression was clear in everyone's eyes. Or, as in Aaroniero's case, the she shrill shriek coming from behind his mask. Everyone sat silently until Nniotra spoke up, "Heh… … are you sure that's the best idea Aizen-Sama? I mean, He is well… … you know…"

"I don't see why not, what do you think Miss Inoue? You are, after all, the one who will have to deal with him."

"Oh!" Orihime becomes very nervous with all of the eyes in the room looking at her. "Y-Yes, th-that's fine, I guess."

"See, Szayel is willing, and Miss Inoue will work with him." Szayel gives an 'angelic' fake smile to everyone, but, what he is thinking is very different. _This is the perfect opportunity to test my new experimental drug. _

Not wanting to be scolded by Aizen again, the Espada sit back down and continue on with the meeting. But, everyone has the feeling that tomorrow is going to be a nightmare.

"Wow, isn't Las Noches' kitchen wonderful, Szayel? It's even bigger than the ones I see in cooking shows on TV!" Orihime gushes

"Quiet, woman!" Szayel snaps. But then he realizes that if his plan is going to work out, he needs to get Orihime to trust him. For some odd reason, the other Espada don't trust him. _If the human girl gives them the food, they will be more likely to eat it. _Is the conclusionhe came up with. "Oh sorry, I mean, Yes, it is … marvelous, isn't it." _Why the hell do we even need a kitchen In Las Noches? _Szayel wonders, _we hollows can just absorb the reishi in the air, or, if I need to, I can just absorb my fracci__ó__n._ "Shall we get started now?" he asks a shocked Orihime

When Orihime runs off to find something, Szayel turns away from her direction, and pulls something out of his sleeve. It's a small vial that contains a cloudy, purple liquid.

"What are you looking at?" Orihime asked Szayel who was too busy plotting his experiment to notice the human girl looking over his shoulder.

Szayel jumps a little and quickly hides the vial in his clothes again. "Nothing to worry your pretty little head about." Szayel puts on another fake smile to keep her happy. But he is actually thinking something quite different. _Pretty? Humph, I make myself laugh. The only thing even slightly interesting about this woman is her abnormally large chest._

"Oh, okay then, let's get cooking!" Orihime shouts with lots of enthusiasm. She then put on a bright blue apron, and hands a matching yellow one to Szayel.

"What do we have to make?" Szayel asks

" Let's see," Orihime has to think about it for a while " Well, Lord Aizen said that I have 'creative liberty'," She makes quotation marks in the air with her fingers "So I'm thinking of making jade cheese salad, bologna and jelly sandwiches, chocodogs, and hot and sour shakes."

"Great idea Orihime, that sounds really… tasty." Szayel flatters Orihime, making her blush a little, but cringes at the thought of what she wants to make. While he does so, he thinks, _what the hell are those things? I've researched human culture and behaviors profusely, but never once have I heard of 'jade cheese salad'. I wonder if that's a good thing or a bad thing, and 'chocodogs'? I don't even want to know._

"I'm so happy that you think so too! Would you help me get the ingredients from the pantry, Granz-San?" without stopping for an answer, Orihime lists off the ingredients to her weird salad "I need lime Jell-o, cottage cheese, vinegar, mayonnaise, pineapple, salt, and pepper."

Szayel retrieves the like he was asked, and hoped desperately that they would not all be used for the same thing.

"Do you need anything else?"

"Um, do you know how to make Jell-o?"

"… Jell… oh?" apparently; gelatin deserts are another gap in his knowledge

"I'll take that as a 'no'. Will you mix all of the other things together than?"

"Sure, why not." Szayel grabs a big bowl and starts to add the ingredients in, but then turns around and asks Orihime, "How much of each do I add? I wouldn't want to_ ruin_ anything."

Orihime looked surprised be the seemingly simple question, "I-I don't really know, I usually just add different things in until it looks right. Usually I add a lot of pineapple and Mayo, and it always turns out good."

Szayel took Orihime's vague advice, and added random amounts of everything. As he did so, he couldn't completely hide his look of disgust. That's surprising considering Szayel is Las Noches' resident mad scientist. The man who finds joy in dissecting his fellow arrancar is now being disgusted by a little vinegar and Mayonnaise.

Once Szayel finished stirring the mixture, Orihime came over and taste-tested the Espada's cooking, "Wow!" her eyes lit up, "This tastes even better then when make it by myself, you must really have a talent for cooking, Granz-San!" Szayel doesn't know whether to take that as a compliment, or an insult "Now we just have to wait for the Jell-o to harden, and then we can add it into the bowl."

While Orihime was ranting about how good it will taste once it's all done, and how no one ever eats it, Szayel takes the opportunity to add a little bit of the purple liquid into the 'salad'.

Orihime and Szayel work for the next two hours preparing the rest of the meal. They made chocodogs next; which are basically hot dogs dipped in instant chocolate shell used for ice cream, bologna and jelly sandwiches; which should be self explanatory, and Hot and sour shakes; a normal vanilla shake, only with lots of lemon juice and hot peppers blended in with it. Szayel managed to slip a little of his experimental chemical into each dish while the human wasn't looking.

Szayel and Orihime slowly walk across the dining room, pushing the little cart that is holding the food. All eyes were on them, everyone (except Starrk) looks like they lost sleep wondering what they would be forced to eat. Orihime passes out plates of food to each Espada. Aizen had a revaluation after seeing what Orihime came up with; _I need to find myself some better spies._

None of the Espada dared to take a bite in fear of what might happen to them if they did. After a while, a smirking Szayel takes a bite of the foul-smelling jade cheese salad. Knowing that the chemical will not hurt him, (he made sure to make himself immune to it beforehand) the only thing he had to fear was Orihime's sense of taste, and fear it's self. Szayel barely manages to choke down the lumpy concoction without showing his disgust. All he needed was to take one bite, he concentrated the drug so that even a very small amount will be potent.

Slowly, each of the Espada (with a little pressure from dear Aizen-Sama) tried a small bite, and immediately expressed their displeasure by gagging in it. While the Espada were complaining about quality of their meal, Aizen and Gin stare at the pink-haired Espada who was still sitting quietly, eating his food at a fast pace.

Out of nowhere, Nniotra jumps out of his chair and shouts, "Holy shit! There's something moving in my bowl!" he backs away from the table, his empty place now the center of attention.

Just as he said, his bowl of jade cheese salad was indeed bubbling. Actually, the food was moving much too rapidly for it to be considered bubbling, a better word would be vibrating, because now, in everyone's dishes, their food was moving almost too fast to see.

"Fuck this, I'm getting out of here!" Grimmjow shouts as he takes off running to the exit.

Almost as if on a cue, the pulsating goo swells in size, shakes violently, and when it has everyone's complete attention, it bursts, covering the entire room with a glowing green and white slime.

For some reason, after each person got hit, they passed out. The only people left standing were Gin and Aizen, (who managed to keep the explosion from hitting them with a kidǒ spell) Orihime, (Who now almost in tears, ducked under the table when the food started shaking), and Szayel (who was still in awe of the effects of his chemical).

"Szayel, did you happen to have anything to do with this?" Aizen asks the only Espada still conscious, without any attempt to hide his anger.

"So close… … …"

The next day, while Aizen was on his daily walk through the halls of Las Noches, he decides to check up on his Espada to make sure that they are okay. After yesterday's events, most of them had to receive medical treatment. Of course Aizen had punished Szayel, he made him clean up the mess that he made, and he grounded him from his lab for a week.

While walking towards Starrk's room, he heard giggling behind him. When he turned around to see what was doing such a strange thing, he was met by the sight of Grimmjow, Ulquiorra, and Orihime skipping down the hall, with arms linked together.

When the skipping trio passed Aizen, they yelled, "Hola, Aizen-Sama!" and continued skipping down the hall, leaving Aizen twitching in shock.

After recovering from his mental trauma, Aizen peered into the first Espada's room. What he saw in there was just as disturbing as Ulquiorra skipping; Starrk not sleeping. In fact, he was more awake than Lilynette.

"Hey, Lily, wanna play tag?"

"No, we just played Marco Polo for, like, three hours, I'm tiiiiiirrrrreeeedddd!"

Starrk sits in silence for a couple of seconds

"Wanna play hide and seek?"

Aizen closes the heavy door right before Lilynette yells, "Staaaaarrrrrk! I'm tiiiiiirrrrreeeedddd!" at the top of her lungs, making everyone within a mile cringe.

Aizen continues down the hall, wondering if there is some sort of gas leak making everyone act insane, and if so, should he be worried. After a little thinking, he brushes it off as a coincidence (a lost bet and an accidental discovery of energy drinks, perhaps).

As Aizen gets close to the second Espada's room, he starts to feel a little more relaxed, knowing that Baraggan will _surely_ be acting like his normal self. When Aizen enters the room, everything appears normal, but Baraggan is sitting on his bed talking to a little piece of metal and plastic, and pressing buttons on it.

"Oh em gee! Yammy, that is like epic-ness, lolz! "

Aizen directly addresses the ancient-looking Espada, "What are you doing?" clearly, he doesn't understand internet language.

"I'm texting Yammy, isn't that obvious?"

The shocked ex-shinigami inched out back into the hall, but not fast enough to avoid hearing one of the most respected arrancar scream "Rotflcopter to you too XDD!" louder than a fan-girl at a comic convention.

_What if there is something seriously wrong with them? I should ask Gin if he knows anything about it. _ Aizen thinks as he is briskly walking to Gin's Room.

While he is walking past the throne room, he sees Nniotra and Harribel sitting on a couch together. This stopped him. Usually when they are together, Nniotra ends up getting beat up by Harribel for saying something rude about women; but of course, something quite different happens this time.

"Oh my gawd Tia, your hair is totally cute today! Did you do something different with it?" Nniotra coos

"Really? You're so sweet; I can't believe I ever thought that you were insensitive!"

Aizen uses shunpo to get away from the giggling pair. He bursts into Gin's room and fins the fox-faced man sleeping on the floor in the middle of the room.

"Gin!"

"W-What?" Gin jolts upright, "I wasn't sleepin' I swear, honest!"

Aizen ignores his subordinate's excuse "Have you noticed that the Espada are acting awfully weird today?"

"Yeah, I asked Szayel-Kun about it a little earlier." Gin tilts his head sideways "Ya know, he's still sulking in his room 'cause you won't let him into his lab. He looked pretty depressed about it."

"Fine, fine, what did he say?" Aizen starts to lose his patience with Gin

"He said that the chemical that he put in the food was unstable, so he thinks that somehow, it interfered with their brain waves making them act odd." Gin paused "he said that they should be better in a few days, and then he went on a rant about how he doesn't know because he can't run the proper tests. Oh, and then he ate one of his fracción. He really has a nasty habit there, huh?"

Aizen decides to forget everything that he saw today and hide out in his room until the Espada are back to normal (five days). When the Espada recover, they have absolutely no memory of what they did, but for some reason, Baraggan could recite every text abbreviation known to man (or arrancar for that matter).

**Thanks for reading! Please Review if you liked it. **


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